Unboxing // Birchbox May 2016

I think I’m going to title rename “May” as “Meh.” Sounds close enough and adequately sums up how this month’s boxes have been. The worst box so far, though, is my Birchbox.


Let’s talk first about the box. I know some people weren’t happy with the box, as it has a bit of a 90’s feel to it. I get that a bit from the pattern, but the color scheme is not the stereotypical 90s colors. I actually like the box itself! Except, I dislike how every time I go to open a birchbox, I scratch the top of the box with my knife.

Anyway, let’s get into the products.

  • Beauty Protector Protect & Detangle Leave-In Conditioner. I do use a lot of leave-in conditioner, as my hair gets very ratted and tangles easily. Just part of having bleached, dyed, and generally over-processed hair. That said, I don’t shower enough to need as much as I’m getting sent. I will definitely add this to my queue. The scent is hard to pin-point, but it’s strong and reminds me of a big-box perfume. It’s okay enough, but the strength makes me feel dizzy. Retail value: $2.94.
  • COOLA Classic Face Sport SPF 50 White Tea. This was my sample choice! I thought it would be a little bigger- 5ml = 4 faces @ 1/4tsp/face, fyi. This is a silicone-free formula and is essence and oil based with some glycerin, so it should be good for my dry skin. I’m not a huge fan of the scent, but at least it’s mild. Retail value: $3.20
  • Eyeko Skinny Liquid Eyeliner. I contemplated hiding this away until I was done with my open eyeliner pens- note, this is in pen form and not in traditional liquid brush/pot form, which is very nice. However, I saw it didn’t have ANY protective packaging, so I opened it up and lightly swatched it. It leaves a pretty gosh darn thick line for being a “skinny” eyeliner. You have to BARELY TOUCH the tip to your skin to get a thin line. A rub test shows that while the line stays defined, it can smudge easily. Meh. Retail value: $9.14
  • Juicy Couture Viva La Juicy Noir. Hah. When I think of Juicy Couture, I think of the richer girls from my high school wearing those pink sweat pants with ‘JUICY’ written on their asses. Now, you can dress however you want, and sweats are definitely comfortable, but having “JUICY” on your ass isn’t exactly the epitome of class. This fragrance, however? It IS the epitome of those girls. It reminds me of a bratty teenage girl, the stereotypical basic bitch, the one that bats her eyes and Daddy buys them another prom dress because the first two weren’t quite the right shade after the fake tan. It’s sweet and gourmand, but not coyingly, and it doesn’t feel full-bodies. Calling this “noir” is just laughable; there are no dark notes in this. This is not sultry. This is not mysterious. This is fake sweet. Retail value: $2.16
  • Vita Liberata Fabulous Self-Tanning Gradual Lotion. Okay, can somebody PLEASE tell Birchbox not to send me self-tanners?! “Fair skin” does not mean “needs a tan.” I chose a sample this month expressly to AVOID this self-tanner. More so? Yep, this has shea. Oh, Birchbox, how doth thou royally suck this month. Retail value: $7.50.

So, the total retail value of this box comes out to be $24.94. My own personal value is more like $11, and that’s being very generous. This is a box I’d like a refund on, actually.

And of course this wouldn’t be me without a spreadsheet, so…


Of course, if you add in the $5 rewards points, values increase, but lately I’ve been realizing one thing: the $5 rewards? It’s more like taking your $10 sub and putting $5 into a specialized savings account. Most items from BB I wouldn’t repurchase again, so it seems… a little bit worthless, I guess, like I’m not really saving any money but just spending more.

Here’s hoping that the last half of The Month of Meh is more like the Month of Yay?


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