Two years and two months ago, I moved into my own apartment. I was at my lowest weight, a weight that was not unhealthy but was achieved under unhealthy means. I felt amazing at that weight. My body was healthy. My mind was not.
Two years ago, I decided I needed to change all of that. My unhealthy mind had created an unhealthy body, one that looked healthy and strong but couldn’t handle daily life. So I changed. I worked. I worked on myself, on my relationships, on the trauma in my own past.
Today, I stand 25 pounds heavier. Up until now, I haven’t talked much about it. I’ve been focused on beauty blogging. I didn’t want to think about the weight gain that was happening. I didn’t want to worry about it.
When I surpassed one weight I had previously told myself I would “go on a diet” if I reached again, I may have needed some deep breaths, but I went on. When I surpassed my “never weight,” I just stopped weighing myself. When my clothes stopped fitting, I may have cried. And then I just bought new clothes. I look at my body, and while I’m not pleased, I don’t feel the need to hurt myself so that I can be pleased.
My point is this: I choose, each day, to love who I am regardless of my weight gain. I no longer allow my weight or my body image to dictate how I treat myself.
But something else has happened. I’ve realized I am not treating my body well right now. It’s been noticeable the last few months especially, with work taking it’s toll on me, and candy, french fries, Blizzards, and other treats have been the “solution.” I’ve realized I have become afraid to say no to excess out because I am scared of going back to where I was.
How healthy is this mindset? It’s terribly unhealthy. I shouldn’t live in any kind of fear.
I also haven’t been exercising. I realize I was exercising for some wrong reasons, and I have held off being afraid that I would, once again, return to those unhealthy reasons. Yet, is it healthy to abstain for physical activity? No! My body is becoming unhealthy, too.
I’m unsure how to proceed, honestly, but at least I know something has to change.