Warning: I interrupt my normal content to bring you a huge rant. This is a long rant. This is a journal-style rant. There may be more negativity than I usually like to show.
I can’t figure out why my weight and body image have been a problem for me lately. When I started getting into makeup, I was at the tail end of recovery from an eating disorder, and I was using makeup to help my body image during that time. Recovery for me did mean weight gain, and it wasn’t because I needed to gain weight to be healthy. The weight gain was related instead to finding a healthier relationship with food- not being afraid to eat, to eat at regular intervals, and to keep food in me, even if I made a less healthy food choice.
Lately I’ve been wondering if I did something wrong, though, because my weight has climbed past a healthy point, and every attempt I make to get my body back to a healthy point has been unsuccessful to say the least. Being a “stay at home girlfriend” was awesome for me at first, but as I started traveling more, my weight climbed. When I got my new job, I had to eat their food, which was definitely not the healthiest. I became less active on my days off, recovering from the hectic days at work. Lethargy had another downside: I couldn’t fathom cooking, and Boyfriend and I ended up ordering out… a lot. Holidays happened; more holidays happened; life happened.
I start projects geared to reduce my weight, but also geared at general health. Not eating so much candy (ugh, fail- my sweet tooth is strong), taking my vitamins, drinking water and tea, brushing my teeth, exercising regularly… Things that could lead to weight loss, but focus on positive things, not negative. These didn’t work.
More and more I feel myself entertaining the idea of a VLCD. I think of “what worked before” and I’ve tried to emulate everything minus the unhealthy behaviors… and it’s not working.
I’m frustrated. I’m so frustrated. I am uncomfortable in the body I am in right now. I have no energy. I feel defeated. I don’t want to tie my self worth into my weight, but I am struggling to accept my body the way it is. No matter how I dress, I see my body in this negative light. I can feel my rolls. When I walk, when I shower… Sometimes I feel better when I wear clothing that has more of my personality in it, but every day at work I have to wear jeans (which I hate; none are cut for my body shape) and this truly awful unisex shirt which looks horrendous on me. I feel horrendous. It’s impairing how I function at work even.
Boyfriend loves me, and his opinion on how sexy or attractive I am hasn’t changed… but my opinion has.
Honestly, I feel like I’m swinging to the opposite end of the pendulum here. While out buying new sheets at Walmart, I picked up a bag of Funyuns, cheese crackers, and some peanut butter cups. And I ate them all. In one day. Every time I try to think “maybe I shouldn’t eat this,” I have two voices screaming at me- one telling me that this is restriction and hell yes I should eat this, and the other screaming at me to stop eating all junk whatsoever. The choices are becoming so hard for me to make; I feel constantly emotionally fried.
I don’t know if this is the best solution, but I ordered what amounts to a month of a product called Jimmy Joy (previously called Joylent). I am not advocating this brand (or even complete nutritional powders in general), especially since I have not tried this out yet, but after quite a bit of research and thought, I’ve decide the best thing for me to do is simplify things. Why have things not worked out for me? Is it because I’m putting too many things on my plate at once? Sure, working on my food intake is great. So is exercising more, taking vitamins, drinking more water, etc. But at the end of the day, I think I’ve been feeling overwhelmed. I can handle doing “a lot” when I get quick results, but if I’m doing “a lot” in a healthy way, the results will be just the same as doing “a little bit.” My “a little bit” is going to be a modified Joylent diet for about a month. It’ll be easy- since it’s a complete nutritional powder, I just have to use the powder for my meals, and if I miss my vitamins, it’s okay. Since I’ll be drinking it, it’ll take care of all my water intake too. Since it’s the only thing, I don’t have to think about the food I’m putting in my body in a judgmental way- I don’t have to “say no because it’s not healthy enough” or force food that I hate just because it “fits my macros.” It’s just a lot less thought.
I don’t plan on being incredibly restrictive, though. I might occasionally splurge a bit- I know I have a birthday party for a friend coming up in a few weeks, and I’ll let myself eat “regularly” for that. If I visit family at all, I’ll let myself eat more regularly then, too. And if I somehow get the energy to exercise and want Wendy’s Value Fries (with a chocolate Frosty of course), I might get one. The point isn’t to say “you can only have this powder for food” but rather to give myself a break from making so many decisions… because there are too many in my life.
When the powder comes and I officially start, I’ll probably post about it and give an initial “first impression.” I want to detail more of my experience with it, and after the month is over, I will decide how I want to proceed. This to me doesn’t seem like something I’d do long-term, but again, I really do think reducing my “decision overload” is a good option to help get me back to choosing